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No Longer Rejecting ALL My Pieces

Sex Without Fear

Thursday, January 2, 2020

💓 I'm learning to love the unique pieces of me that are so clearly tied to my trauma.  This has been the strangest part of healing for me, and how I can tell I'm over the hardest parts.  Everything from my sexual preferences to my eating habits have these strange little ties.  I cant reject them all because then I'd have nothing left.  I worked so hard to reject any part that reflected my abuser that at a very young age I found myself in a puddle of unworthiness and shame.  But as I learn to embrace the ones that didnt carry any internal self harming thoughts, I found myself having more confidence, more self awareness, and more peace honestly. A lot of these pieces are just for me to know. But this time I met a woman with the same quirk.  Maybe this is one that any woman in our society relates to at some point.  I always felt like I walked in a sea of women of all ages who did everything they could to attract a man.  They would spend hours on their clothes, hair, and make up.  This tom-boy hated it all. It wasn't until adulthood did I really unlayer all of my detest to this ideology: that we some how needed to attract a man.  Thats so silly.  Even in my twelve year old adolecent mind I knew that it was proposterous to think you had to do ANYTHING to attract a man.  Ironically, as young girls we are told that wearing a certain look was what caused us to not only BE raped, but to deserve rape.  But as so many women can attest to...most of us were raped in every day clothing.  For me?  My pajamas. As horrific as this was it really led me with the engrained confidence that, well, I could be sexy in anything. 🤷And it shows. Im never afraid to wear what makes me happy, I spent time attracting men with my internal qualities, and removing these thoughts of vanity gave me mind-space to beautify the parts of me that would last forever: like my heart and mind. Maybe it came from a really dark place, but I'm taking the good from the bad 💕  I dont like to share advice with other survivors...but I like to normalize thoughts that are in all of our heads.  Our brains become our own personal prisons constantly contemplating whats normal and whats not ok.  Im in no place to say anything is a healthy or unhealthy mindset, but I think we all need to know we arent alone.  As raw and gross and gritty as it is, its given me a since of freedom and autonomy to know that nothing I do with my body really affects any outcome. I'll be loved or I won't. I'll be hurt or I won't. I'll be raped or I won't.  And the benefit of learning that daily gamble is that you might as well embrace your natural authentic self. And personally... I feel sexy in a big tshirt. 😂👌 

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