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Dear Forest, You're 4

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Dear Forest, You're 4.

Dear Forest, This is the last night you are three years old.  I will never forget the overwhelming love that hit me the moment I saw your face.  Truthfully, I never felt it during my pregnancy.  I planned you, wanted you, was so grateful for your health, but I just didn't "feel it" with you.  I think I was so terrified that somehow loving you would take away from your brother.  I stayed disconnected, so that I could stay connected to Tucker for as long as I could before you came.  But then you did come...very quickly, and my heart ACTUALLY grew and doubled in size to give you the same love that I have for Tucker.   And there's something so significant about the timing of your arrival into my life.  You were a mile marker for me.  I had complete control of my body for the first time in my life the night I brought you Earth side.  It was painful, intense, vulnerable, and pushed me as absolutely the furthest I could have possibly gone.  Tucker made me a mom, but you made me a woman (a woman with a voice, and strength that came solely from herself).  Tucker made me believe in God, and then you made me believe in myself.  From that moment on, I changed.  I decided to go for what I want.  In my career, in my love life, in myself.  You made me brave, you made me strong, and then as we grew together, we kept each other wild. Every day that I wake up to your face I see my spirit in you.  Tucker got my soul, but you have my spirit through and through.  Your desire for love, your need for thrill, your all or nothing attitude about everything.   I see your tender and passionate love.  I see your silliness, and how you value your time the way I do.  You just want it all: all the love, all the attention, all the food, all of the energy.  You want to touch it, affect it, soak it up, squeeze it dry, taste it in your soul, all 100% of you.  It can't just be a bowl of ice cream, it needs to be a full on sundae.  Volume is full blast, windows are down, and you're always wearing your "Sunday's best".  You love life, all of it: all the emotions, all the activities, all the people you've been given.  Your heart is so big, and so fiercely free.  You are untamable, and the easiest thing I've ever done is to let go of anyone in my life who dares to try to tame you. Someday you're going to share your life with another, and I wish them luck.  You are a force, and only the best will be able to keep up.  I have no idea where you're going to go in life, but I know wherever you go, you will go fully, with every bit of your heart.  You don't waste a single bit of yourself, and you make my sun so much brighter every day. I can't believe you aren't even a toddler any more.  The last 4 years has been remarkable.  Watching you learn how to share your space and heart with your brother has been the most incredible experience.  You have traveled to 6 states with Tucker and I (only 2 behind tucker!), and have about 20,000 miles under your belt of living on the road part time with me.  You've touched every plant and ate every type of dirt from Canada to Mexico.  I want to give you every inch of this world, but it's already completely yours for the taking.  You are naturally (kind of) timid, backed with a desire to face all of your fears full-on, which has left us with so many memories and shared experiences of bravery...and some stitches.  A protector of your family, having everyone completely wrapped around your dirty, sticky, little finger.  A theatrical genius, having everyone entertained, every single day.  I don't deserve you.  Every time I pour love into your tank, you pour it right back into me, overflowing me, melting me.  You see me, and you have let me know from day one, that you are fully aware and connected to the love that I give you.  We don't hesitate, we don't doubt, we don't struggle.  We are 100% in full understanding of each other, completely secure in our mother-son dynamic. You are not just the chaos you bring to the room.  You are the one who ignites the fire inside of us.  You remind us of what we could be.  You are authenticity and confidence all wrapped up in a freckle faced package.  Growing you into your own person, with your own opinions, is the coolest thing I've ever done.  It just feels natural to be your teacher.  I understand you.  I know what it feels like to have and to need so much love.  Life is intense for us.  There is everything to see, feel, and love.  You see that our time here is limited, and you don't want to miss a thing.  You're excited, and ready, and thirsty.  You are also the "too much" person that not everyone was made to be able to handle (leave them for the boring people), and for that I'm here.  Give it to me.  The love, the heart ache, the guilt, the shame, the never ending hugs...flood me over.  I've been practicing my whole life for this: to be able to show you that you are never too much for someone who can't get enough of you.  You never have to apologize for being you. I love you.  Happy birthday baby.

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